My
grandma received news that they’ve found another spot of cancer. This time on
her liver. It’s new and small and they think they can shrink it with
treatment. So she’s going ahead with the chemo. She has a wedding she
wants to go too and I would love for her to see our family again. But I
guess the treatment for this particular spot of cancer will be very
vicious. It’s called the Red Devil, I think, because the side effects
are so bad.
Let
me start this next thought by telling you that I’m not questioning my
faith or God, but I have been pondering lately on how very unfair life
can be. My grandma grew up with alcoholic parents and rarely had peace
of mind or situation. Somehow she turned out well balanced in spite of
all the chaos in her life. One of her half brothers is an alcoholic and
the other one has been abusing his body with smoking and alcohol for
most of his life. She’s one who has taken good care of her body and yet
it is ravaged by cancer. I wouldn’t wish the cancer on her brothers but
it seems so unfair that her body has betrayed her this way.
When
I was younger, I had a false notion that making smart or righteous choices would
always yield fair or favorable outcomes in life. But as I got older and
realized that very bad things can happen to the best of people I had to
wonder why. I couldn’t understand why those who were good people,
wouldn’t always be rewarded for their goodness. But it began to make
sense when I had children of my own. If my children know of a promised
reward for their behavior, they will almost always choose to act in a
way that will earn them that reward, even if their heart is not in it.
But I don’t want to bribe them into doing good, I want them to choose
good, to be
good no matter what. When it is right to reward them I will, but it is
not always right to do so. Somehow as a parent, I can just feel where to
draw the line. What they need is almost never what they want. It struck
me with such force as I came to realize these things that God is in the
same position. Do we not call him our Heavenly Father? He is a parent.
And though he is God, he is still bound by the same feelings. By the
knowledge that to deliver every one from every trial, would be the most
growth stunting thing he could do for us. I don’t necessarily believe he wants us to
go through or decides exactly what hardships we will face, but I do think that he rarely
prevents those events because we’re better for it. And I really believe we are.
I've written on here before that a few years ago I went through the effects of a toxic drug interaction. My body was stuck in an awful hell for months. I
had never felt such despair, such loneliness. I had never had my faith
shaken so badly. I questioned the existence of God and was terrified
that I felt at liberty to do so. But I felt nothing. In spite of this I
was determined to know if he was really there. I kept going through the
motions, praying and hoping that if he was there he might heal me. I had
lived such a good life, I wasn’t perfect but I was doing a pretty good
job so why wouldn’t he heal me?!?!? I figured it was because I lacked
the faith. That if I wasn’t even sure if he existed that of course he
wouldn’t do anything if He did. As I went to therapy and tried to heal
my mind I remember for the first time in my life being too angry to
care. Angry that any of this happened, angry at the unidentified malady
that had plagued me for 12 years. So angry I lost all inhibitions.
Things I had been too terrified to tell anyone went on in my head,
finally came out and with it came the answer to 12 years of prayer. It
didn’t happen overnight but those 3 months of torture transformed me. I
never want to go through anything like that again, but I am
a better person for it. My faith in God was nearly extinguished but I
chose to keep trying to believe until I felt it again. I have a better
understanding of Him than I ever did before that experience. Dare I say
I’m thankful for that experience? I wish it hadn’t been so miserable,
but would the rewards have been as sweet had it not been?
I know God exists and that while he may not take our trials away,
he will help us get through them if we allow it. I know things will be
ok for my grandma eventually. Death is after all only a new beginning.
And to finish this off on a less somber note. If all goes well with her
treatment, our whole family will get to see her again this Christmas. My
sister is getting married very close to Christmas and my mom has been
so gracious as to fly our family out. It will be our first Christmas
with our families in 5 years and I’m looking forward to it.
Drawing Nearer to God through adversity
posted by
Summer Owens
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