I had never been on a plane before. I was anxious. Not for fear of flying, but about what I would do to keep busy in cramped quarters for 14 hours. My eyes focused on my worn sandals. I stared at them with what I knew was an empty look, but all around me I processed the sounds. The chatter, the laughter, the squeaking wheels of luggage being pulled past.

“Dude, you like, should totally do it dude,” Sandy was saying, “Dude, I dare you!”
“I’m not gonna moon somebody in the flippin’ airport,” Emily replied.
“But dude! It would so awesome!” Sandy retorted.

Sandy always used Dude, way too much.

“Hey, you want some of my Cinnabon?” Gail said to Lane. I saw the feet of the two girls sitting across the way from me. Gail had on dirty pink beach thongs and Lane had slipped her sandals off, preferring instead to sit wiggling her big toe as she sat. I wondered if she always did this. I heard the scraping of a plastic fork and knew that Lane was cutting into the cinnamon roll. With Gails fork. Taking a bite. With Gails fork. I couldn’t believe unrelated people would share germs like that.

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Not four hours into the flight I was already severely annoyed by my classmates. The constant giggling and “Dudes” were taking their toll. I was trying to enjoy my book. Couldn’t they see that? Couldn’t they be a little more respectful? As I sat there fuming over their immature behavior I began to feel very uncomfortable. Had I spilled some water in my lap? I excused myself to the lavatory to discover that at age 14 and on my first flight, I had become more than a girl.

As I walked off of that plane, my underwear stuffed with toilet paper I prayed no one would notice and I thought kinder thoughts, perhaps in the hope that Karma wouldn’t come and reveal my plight. A brief layover offered enough time to grab some liners and then it was back onto the plane.

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I had underestimated the amount of liners I would need for the duration of the flight and I walked into the airport at a semi-waddle, stuffed again with toilet paper. I tried to put on my best face for the host family who held a sign with my name scrawled on it. They each greeted me with an uncomfortable amount of hugging and kissing and I returned the favor holding back tears, though not of joy. Rieke was especially excited to see me since she had stayed with my family as an exchange student the previous summer.

“Wie gehts Summer?” She asked cheerily
“Ich bin gut,” I lied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was mortified as Rieke held up the liner and asked me if it was mine. I had replaced it with a new one and accidentally left it on the bathroom windowsill. I blubbered that it was mine and that I forgot it and that I was new to all of it and that I was so sorry. Rieke hugged me and told me it was alright, and for the first time since leaving for the trip I relaxed. I had not anticipated her caring, understanding reaction. It meant so much to me, I decided I needed to be more kind and understanding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and trudged slowly up the hill.
“Summer, wait up!” Penny called.
I slowed my pace so Penny could catch up and she fell into step with me.
“Are you sure you know how to get back to Katarina’s house?” I questioned.
“Pretty sure,” Penny said.
 I raised my eyebrow at her.
“I sure could use a drink. Why didn’t I think to bring water?” I wondered out loud.
We turned a corner and as if in answer to my thirst, we suddenly saw it . A big black vending machine situated next to a lone bench, in what seemed the most isolated and strangest of places. We walked up to it eagerly, hoping for a bottle of cool normal water.
“Dang, only Mineral Wasser of course!” I said.
“Oh look,” Penny said excitedly, “Coke!”
We both stared with parched lips at the button with the bright red emblem of familiarity and started rummaging through our pockets.
“I only have a couple D-Marks,” I said sadly.
“Well, I have enough for one bottle,” Penny replied.
Penny inserted the marks and pulled the can out. She popped the metal fastener off and inhaled the sweet mist. Then she put her lips to the rim, tilted her head back and took a good long guzzle. She handed the can over to me and I didn’t hesitate to finish it off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I reclined my chair and closed my eyes as I absorbed the music. Someone lifted the ear phone off of my left ear and asked, “Hey Summer, are you ever gonna give my walkman back?”
I chuckled and took off the headphones.
“Thanks Emily. I really like the Goo Goo Dolls.”
“I never figured you as the type that would,” she replied.
“Neither did I,” I said.

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My mom hugged me tightly as soon as she could reach me. My bright blue sunglasses were perched lightly atop my sun drenched hair.
“I can’t wait to hear about and see pictures of all the places you went!” she said excitedly.
“We’ll have to get the film developed first,” I said, ” Oh, mom, wait.”
I jogged toward Sandy and her family.
“Dude, you almost forgot this,” I said, handing her a souvenir shot glass she had let me look at while on the plane.
I jogged back over to my mom and we walked arm in arm toward the parking garage.
“You know,” she commented, “I think you’ve changed a bit over this last month.”
“I have,” I replied smiling.
Every second I lay curled up shaking felt like an eternity and yet I was surprised at how quickly it seemed my husband made it home. I heard urgent pounding steps in the stairwell outside our apartment door and knew he was coming. I would get to see him one more time.

I heard the lock jiggling. I heard the door slam. I felt his hand on my face as he knelt on the floor beside me. I can’t remember if I told him I loved him but I know I willed him to feel it. I knew there was only one thing that might alleviate my suffering so I asked him for a priesthood blessing.

He was calm as he laid his hands upon my head and uttered a few brief inspired words of healing. Immediately my constant shaking calmed to an occasional quiver. I felt such gratitude to God for this immediate act of relief.

My husband helped me back to my bed where I laid down to try to get some rest. But now that the shaking had dissipated I noticed other things were happening. My heart would race and slow and race and slow. Each time it began to race my body would fill with terrifying warmth. I suppose the best way to explain that is to say it is the kind of warmth you feel when your conscience tells you you’ve done something very wrong. Amplify that ten fold and it kept throwing me into a panic. My mind was so confused at that time, mixing these sensations with fear that I had done something terribly wrong. I call it a hellfire feeling, as though you’re about to be consumed by the agony of guilt.

I also suddenly realized how very sensitive to noise I was. As I lay there, the minutes ticking slowly away, I would hear an occasional yell from one of the kids or a loud bang and my body would immediately start to quiver, my heart rate sky rocketing, filling me again with terrifying warmth. You can imagine that prayer was always upon my lips as I struggled to calm these reactions. I still had no idea what was going on, I only hoped that this physical and mental presence of mind would wear off quickly. Unfortunately that was not to be the case.

To be continued…
Caleb: Mom, iss so hot ow here!

Me: I know. It is hot out here isn’t it.

Caleb: I fink I gonna mewht (melt).
Saturday’s are always busy for me. Today was no exception, and in fact it was even more busy than usual. I disinfected the bathroom, organized and deep cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the dining and living room and did three loads of laundry. I got an awful lot accomplished. That brings a nice feeling, but accomplishing those goals wasn’t the highlight of my day. The highlight of my day was taking a break and getting Angel girl ready for bed.

I sat with her in the recliner feeding her bites of cornbread. In between bites we played peek-a-boo and clapped our hands. Then she took the cornbread from my hand and decided to feed me instead. There I sat chuckling, as I nibbled on the slobbery cornbread she stuck in my mouth. Then, she gave me a kiss. A sweet, tiny pursed lip kiss with cornbread crumbs on the side. Then another one. And another one. I didn’t mind one bit. I loved every crumby kiss!
We all have one. A day. The day. The day where something in our lives changed drastically forever. For me, May 14, 2005 was that day.

The morning started off with the usual routine. I took my thyroid medication for my Hypo-thyroidism. Then I took a new pill, 40mgs of Celexa. I had been having severe anxiety issues and had asked my new doctor if I could get back onto an anti-depressant. After an evaluation she agreed that I ought to be on one. So I began my treatment. And after that, the details become so very clear.

It was approximately 8:00 a.m. when I took the Celexa.

Exactly 2/12 hours later at 10:30 a.m. as I sat on the couch watching Rolie Polie Olie with my kids I began to feel a little nauseated. I went back to the bathroom thinking I would throw up but then the wave dissipated. I sat back onto the couch when another wave hit, this one twice as strong and with it came the feeling that I was losing consciousness. Suddenly I felt something was very wrong.

My arms were pulsing with warmth. Warmth shot from my head down to my toes. Every muscle in my body began quivering. I dialed my husband to tell him to come home. He could tell I sounded panicked and tried to talk me through what I was feeling. As I started talking to him my body calmed down slightly but towards the end of our conversation that jolting nausea accompanied by struggling to keep conscious surfaced. I told him I was passing out. Then I screamed into the phone that I was dying. I was sure if I lost consciousness I would be dead.

After I hung up the phone I found myself shaking violently again. I knelt down on the floor desperately trying to retch. But I couldn’t. My children were nearby asking me what was wrong. I just told them to watch the TV.

The shaking and zinging feelings shooting from my head and into my arms got worse and worse. I couldn’t even stand. With a prayer on my lips I crawled into the hallway until I couldn’t crawl anymore and curled up next to the bathroom. I couldn’t stop the trembling that had consumed my body. I felt so sick but I couldn’t throw up. My kids came into the hallway and hovered near me and I told them how much I loved them. Then I prayed that my husband would get home soon enough after I had died that they wouldn’t get into any major trouble running around the house on their own.

To be continued…

P.S. I have to continue it. I can’t write anymore. I thought I had worked up the courage to share this story but I’m actually shaking as I relive it.