From a lesson I taught in Relief Society April 9, 2017

Adam and Eve were given two paradoxical commandments. They could not create children without "having their eyes opened", and they could not have their eyes opened without eating of the fruit. After Eve chose to eat the fruit Adam might have chosen to follow the commandment not to eat of the tree. But he didn’t. He chose his wife. Thus began the saga of the human family and today I want to talk about all of the joy and heartache family life brings and how we can be better children, sisters, aunts, mothers, or grandmothers.

So let me first tell you a little bit about my family. I am the oldest of 5 children. I have two brothers and two sisters. Growing up we did plenty of squabbling, yelling, clawing, hitting, and tattling. We also did lots of giggling, talking, hugging, playing, and secret keeping. My younger brother and I were really good friends. When we were very young we shared a room and I remember trading late night back scratches while we talked ourselves to sleep. As we got older I still hung out with him and his friends a lot. We played nintendo, roller hockey, and would roller blade to the local Blockbuster for movies and candy.

I was not so close to my younger sister. I was always annoyed at her for tagging along and wanting to be part of everything. My brother and I would often exclude her from our adventures. It wasn’t until we were 18 and 14 that my sister and I started to develop a friendship. And then shortly after that, I got married and moved across the country. I truly regret how selfish and unkind I was to her but thankfully she hasn't held that against me.

My other brother and sister were much younger than me so I got to change their diapers, feed them bottles, watch them learn to crawl and walk and generally adore them.

My sibling, parents and I all share different relationships, and all of those are filled with happiness and regrets. Even though things weren’t perfect we were informed of and involved in each other’s lives.

As we began to mature into teenagers and young adults we started forming our own ideas about things like politics, religion, health, and happiness. And over the years it became apparent that our ideas were sometimes very different. From drug use, alcohoism, atheism, religious indifference, and divorce to marriage, children, college education, small business ownership and religious devotion, we’ve all made some very different choices in our lives. But one thing we will always have in common is that one word: FAMILY.

And it drives me to keep trying to stay connected with them, even when it’s difficult. I came to a realization of how important those relationships are to me when I was conversing with a sibling who has some very different ideas than I. I don’t remember the particulars, but I know that the conversation declined to the point where the spirit suddenly rushed out of the room. It was as though a gust of wind had extinguished it in an instant and I felt like I was being egged into saying something vicious. In that moment, quick as it was, I knew I was on the brink of a life changing choice. I thought of my sibling and of whether it was important to be right at the cost of our relationship. Even though I was frustrated and hurt I decided right then that I had to get over it, that it really didn’t matter. As I replied calmly and with kindness it was as though the flame of the spirit flickered back to life and that oppressive, nearly tangible darkness lifted. The spirit confirmed to me in that moment that nothing will ever be more important than doing my best to maintain family relationships.

Ask yourself this question: In what ways do you act differently toward or think differently about family members, than you do about others?

For me, it's often easier to judge my family the most harshly. I think we feel like because we were raised with, or are raising or living with them, we know their circumstances, thoughts and, motivations and somehow that’s justification to be offended, bitter, unkind, or critical toward them.

“At no time did Jesus Christ encourage us to spend time participating in damaging, destructive criticism.  - Marvin J. Ashton

Quote 2: Ephesians 4:29 reads: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good and edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearers”

In his talk, What Are You Thinking?, Elder W. Craig Zwick said, “What does the phrase “no corrupt communication” mean to you? We all regularly experience highly charged feelings of anger - our own and others’....All of us, though covenant children of a loving Heavenly Father, have regretted jumping headlong from the high seat of self-righteous judgment and have spoken with abrasive words before we understood a situation from another’s perspective...The writer of Proverbs counsels, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” A “soft answer’ consists of a reasoned response - disciplined words from a humble heart. It does not mean we never speak directly or that we compromise doctrinal truth. Words that may be firm in information can be soft in spirit.”

President Uchtdorf, in his talk, The merciful Obtain Mercy, talked about how strained and broken relationships have existed since the beginning with Cain who allowed malice and bitterness to canker his heart. Who fed his hatred until he murdered his own brother. I don’t think most of us are in danger of allowing our feelings to go that far, but we truly are only poisoning ourselves when we stew over our feelings of anger and hate.

So I wanted to talk a little bit about how to prevent those feelings from ever culminating like that, and a huge part of it is proper communication. In a 1976 General Conference address Marvin J. Ashton suggested ways that we can make our family communication more effective.


A willingness to sacrifice

“Too early and too often we sow the seeds of “Can’t you see I’m busy? Don’t bother me now.” When we convey the attitude of “Go away, don’t bother me now,” family members are apt to go elsewhere or isolate themselves in silence. All family members on some occasion or other must be taken on their own terms so they will be willing to come, share, and ask.” - Marvin J. Ashton
A willingness to listen

“Listening is more than being quiet. Listening is much more than silence. Listening requires undivided attention. The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard.” - Marvin J. Ashton
A willingness to vocalize feelings

“Too often we are inclined to let family members assume how we feel toward them...We must learn to communicate effectively not only by voice, but by tone, feeling, glances, mannerisms, and total personality.” - Marvin J. Ashton
A willingness to avoid judgment

Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: “This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!”
A willingness to maintain confidences

“Be worthy of trust even in trivial questions and observations. Weighty questions and observations will only follow if we have been trustworthy with the trivial." - Marvin J. Ashton
A willingness to practice patience

“Pure religions encompasses patience and long-suffering. A father recovering from the wounds of alcoholism has often said, “I am making my way back because my family would not give up on me. Everyone had written me off except my wife and children.” How sweet are those words: “I am making my way back because my family would not give up on me.” - Marvin J. Ashton


Now of course loving family members, especially those who might be more difficult to interact with does not require that we suffer at their hands. Emotional, sexual, or physical abuse, dangerous addictions and the like may necessitate creating distance, and in some cases cutting ties for however long is necessary. And sometimes no matter how hard you try good communication, the other party may not be interested in putting as much effort. I know that our Heavenly parents are pleased when we do our best to love our family members.

There are some old photo repository's on the internet which I might submit this to eventually but for now I'll add it in a post here and maybe someone who is looking will find it via google. It was taken sometime around 1930 in Minneapolis, Kansas, and the reason I have it is because my husband's grandmother is among those pictured. 



First Row: Bonnie Dee FORSBURG, Edith GEORGE, Unknown, Audrey MERRYFIELD, Charlotte CZAPANSKY, Unknown, Melvin ZUCKER, Maurice MILLER.

Second Row: John ANDERSON, Lorraine BREWER, Unknown EVERLY, Theda FETTERS, Isabell Unknown, Unknown PORTER, Unknown EVERLY, Marsha CZAPANKSY, Unknown, Leo FORSBURG

Third Row: Georgia Fern BEAR, Betty BREWER, Allan Ray NEELY, Unknown, Virginia TRUMP, Helen MERRYFIELD, Wilma Lou GEORGE, Anna Marie MILLER, Marjorie ZUKER, Mary Margaret ANDERSON

Fourth Row: Shirley PORTER, Mary E. BEAR, Mildred GEORGE, Mr. LUMBER (Pastor), Mrs. Lumber, Phyllis FETTERS, Virginia STRATTON
The printable quotes in this post are free for personal use only. They may not be sold or altered in any way. Thank you!

Back in 1998 sister Julene Butler gave a speech at Brigham Young University. She said of herself: “The shy, self-conscious, insecure person that I was at that time [earlier in her life] could never have imagined this moment...I would like to speak to those of you who may be where I was at that time—those of you who may not yet know what you have to share with others or those who may long to become something more than you now are, something that seems very far out of reach. I want to talk about how we see ourselves and discuss some of the steps we can take to see ourselves more clearly. I believe this subject is relevant not only to those of you who are trying to discover your potential, but also to those who are seeking to move beyond past boundaries, to chart new personal territories, and to discover more of your eternal potential.”

She continued on to say she had had a few different experiences that caused her to think about how we perceive, and that the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:12 came to her mind: “For now we see through a glass darkly”.

She continued, “New Testament commentaries teach us that the word translated here as glass actually refers to a mirror. The imagery Paul invokes in his statement may be unclear to those of us who know mirrors as the clear reflective glass we look into every day. When you try to envision what it is to look “through a glass, darkly,” perhaps you, like me, see a steam-covered bathroom mirror after a shower. But if we consider the imagery in the context of Paul’s times, the phrase “looking through a mirror, darkly” carries powerful implications… A mirror in Paul’s day was not made of glass but of metal, and it required constant polishing. One commentator stated that “a sponge with pounded pumice-stone was generally attached” to the mirror. This allowed the user to polish the metal before use in order to remove the tarnish and more clearly see the reflection… When we peer at ourselves in that imperfect mirror, what do we see? What blemishes seem to be there that would disappear if our glass were more highly polished? What dimensions do we fail to see?... We can sharpen and clarify our vision of ourselves so that an eternal perspective permeates the self-image that drives our lives.



Would you say that statement is true? That our own self-image drives the direction of our lives? For me personally I know it is true. As a teenager dealing with severe depression I felt ugly physically and emotionally, and utterly worthless. Because I assumed no one would want to talk to me, I rarely reached out to anyone else. Because I felt worthless I dressed in large baggy clothes, trying to hide myself from the perceived scrutiny of others. I projected my feelings of self-hate onto those around me, assuming they must feel the same way about me that I did about myself. It made me uneasy, suspicious, despairing, and prone to false interpretations of others actions and words. My hatred of myself played a part in everything I did and felt.

In a class a few weeks ago, our instructor wrote the following on the board:
STIMULUS                     RESPONSE

Between every stimulus and response lies what? An interpretation. How you perceive the event. And that interpretation is what truly drives our responses; our actions, our inactions, our interactions with others. Our interpretation of ourselves absolutely affects the way we interpret others and the things we do. Is your interpretation of yourself one of mostly love and understanding? If it isn’t, how can you change it into something more positive? Obviously it’s a continual process. We ride on the highs and lows of self image. It took many years for me of slow healing and even now I still have relapses into depression and feelings of worthlessness but my faith in the fact that I am loved by God, even when I can’t seem to feel it, sustains me when this happens.

You are a child of heavenly parents. They do know your name. They are aware of your feelings. They give more support than we will ever be able to recognize with our mortal eyes. And because they love you and trust you sometimes they let you struggle alone, because they know what you will learn and what you can become.



Sister Butler continued: “I wonder how often, in life’s circumstances, do we focus only on our weaknesses, on those areas where we fall short, where we would like to improve? Do we give equal time to our strengths? Do we look beyond the surface and seek to discover the qualities that lie latent within us, waiting to be nurtured and developed? Or do we wallow in what we are not, or what we don’t have?... It is important to examine our weaknesses, but we must keep them in perspective and let them motivate us to stretch for better things rather than allowing them to obscure the view of our eternal potential.”

As a child of Heavenly parents your potential is limitless. This mortal life is a mere fissure compared to the vast canyon of eternity and the growth and education that awaits us there, but we don’t have to wait for eternity to discover many truths about and dormant strengths within ourselves. Understanding our relationship to God, and learning to love ourselves is a key motivating factor in this regard! In knowing and placing our faith in God’s love for us, we can be motivated to reach higher and to do more than we might have ever thought possible.


I will not say that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I certainly felt great love for my family and close friends even when I couldn’t stand myself. But I do believe that it is probably easier to assume the best, to be more patient, to be more understanding, to be more forgiving, when we treat ourselves accordingly.

As we remember that we are children of God, let us remember that all others with whom we come into contact are too. C.S. Lewis once said, “It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship...There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal... it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit.”




Though we are as numberless as the stars, each of us are children of Heavenly parents and they love us. I know that as a parent the thing that breaks my heart the most is to see my children being mean to each other. In our simple day to day interactions with strangers, co-workers or family members, do we stop to consider whether our interpretation of their actions or words might be incorrect? Do we assume the best of others as often as possible?

Perhaps sometimes the best cannot be assumed as in cases of betrayal, neglect, or abuse by people we once trusted. But I think God is pleased even if we can only sincerely desire to be rid of feelings contrary to love. And with His help, maybe someday that desire can come to pass.

We know that we are here on earth with all of its joys and troubles to learn things that only experience can teach us. We are children of a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who sent us here to learn and grow, and ultimately to become like them. There plan for us is called the Plan of Salvation.

Elder David A. Bednar has taught: “The revelations teach us that “the glory of God is intelligence” (D&C 93:36). We typically may think the word intelligence in this scripture denotes innate cognitive ability or a particular gift for academic work. In this verse, however, one of the meanings of intelligence is the application of the knowledge we obtain for righteous purposes. As President David O. McKay taught, the learning “for which the Church stands...is the application of knowledge to the development of a noble and Godlike character.”

Why does the so called temporal matter? Shouldn’t it be more important to spend our days devoted only to spiritual thought, to piety in every word and deed? No, because the temporal and the spiritual are utterly intertwined. We may not remember every detail of everything there is to learn about in life but the process of learning helps shape our character. It can teach us how to study and how to work hard in addition to providing us with types and shadows of eternal truth. All things on earth and in the Heavens testify of God. Think for a moment about lessons, or truths you have noticed or learned from an observation of seemingly temporal things or processes.



I think immediately of the way a caterpillar changes into a butterfly. Before a caterpillar has even hatched it grows an imaginal disc for each of the adult body parts it will need later on. When it's ready to transform it doesn't build a chrysallis around itself, rather it sheds its skin to reveal the chrysalis already inside of it. While it is encased in the chrysalis the caterpillar dissolves all of its body tissues excepting the discs. Then the discs use the dissolved tissue to form the new adult features that will become a butterfly.

Like each caterpillar I believe we all have amazing abilities and potential inside. And like a caterpillar the process of being broken is what allows something new and even more marvelous to emerge. The most important question then becomes, what will we do with the beauty and knowledge we've gained? Our Heavenly parents want us not just to discover our own true desires and abilities, but to assist others in discovering the same truths. So now we come to the following word, which may seem out of place.

SELF-RELIANCE.

Too often we hear or see this word and think: food storage, 72 hour kits, gardening, etc. Those are products of self-reliance but that is not what self-reliance really is. An exerpt from lds.org reads: “When we are self-reliant, we USE the blessings and abilities God has given us to care for ourselves and our families and find solutions to our own problems. As we practice an attitude of self-reliance, we are also better able to serve and care for others.  

Elder Russell M. Nelson’s recent conference talk, “A Plea to My Sisters” was all about becoming more spiritually self reliant so that when others we interact with have questions, we are prepared to answer, and to bear testimony. That is, just like helping the physically hungry or needy, imparting of our substance; the substance of light and knowledge that we have gathered and stored up inside our souls.

Marion G. Romeny taught: “Can we see how critical self-reliance becomes when looked upon as the prerequisite to service, when we also know service is what Godhood is all about? Without self-reliance once cannot exercise innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak.”

When we really see ourselves as God sees us, we are motivated to learn more and become more. When we see others as God sees them, we are more charitable in our attitude toward them. With the confidence, knowledge, and abilities we gain from clearly perceiving the first, and the generosity of spirit we derive from the second, we are fully equipped to spread physical and temporal service whereve we live. God doesn’t care what we don’t have to offer.  All He asks is that we willingly use whatever blessings and abilities we do have, to serve each other.  

In closing I'd like to share a quote from Richard G. Scott: “In discussing these principles with you today I have had one desire: that somehow in the mind and heart of each of us there might be generated, as though we were talking to ourselves, this sort of conviction: “I am truly and deeply loved of the Lord. he will do all in his power for my happiness. The key to unlock that power is in myself. While others will counsel, suggest, exhort, and urge, the Lord has given me the responsibility and the agency to make the basic decisions for my happiness and eternal progress...This, coupled with full obedience to the commandments of God and selfless service to and genuine concern for others, will purge fear from my heart and condition me to receive and to interpret the divine aid given to mark my path with clarity…No friend, bishop, stake president, or General Authority can do this for me. It is my divine right to do it for myself. I will be at peace; I will be happy; I will have a rewarding, productive, meaningful life.”

SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER STUDY






After 15 years of marriage and nothing but hand me downs or thrift store buys, it was time. Time for a nice bed (and hopefully soon, nightstands to match). I decided on the Ana White Queen Farmhouse Bed, and I am so pleased with how it turned out!



Here are some pictures of the bed in progress. Note to self, two men at my local Lowe's said the 4x4 posts I bought from them were too big to cut for me. I think they were being lazy. In any case don't buy wood from them again.


So here's what you have to do when Lowe's won't cut the posts for you. It was hard, messy work but I built some muscle and eventually got four of these cut to size.



Here is the footer sandwiched and clamped together while the wood glue dries.


And here are both the header and footer, assembled, sanded and ready for some stain. I told my husband we had to agree on a color from the Rust-Oleum Ultimate Wood Stain Line since that is my favorite type of stain. It's so easy to use and it dries so fast. We chose American Walnut and I put on two coats.
My laundry room is very small. It has a washer and a dryer and one shelf. A shelf that is so tall I can reach nothing on top of it without a step stool. For two years now I've dealt with it but I couldn't handle the clutter anymore. It was finally time to add some extra shelving. Voila!




I searched pinterest for ideas and found only one that I really liked. This Cleaning Storage Tower from That's My Letter.


But I knew I wanted to paint the whole thing so that eliminated the strong tie hardware. I used 2x2's for the side supports since I had some in my scrap pile. Ana White's console table was the perfect depth for my space so I used depth measurements from that. I also switched the way some of the 2x4's lay; skinny side forward for the front and back supports. Thanks for the inspiration #anawhite and #thatsmyletter!

On to the DIY!

Cut List:

6 - 2x4 @ 20 1/4" (Legs)
13 2x4 @ 20 1/4" (Front and Back Supports)
10 - 2x2 @ 11 1/4" (Side Supports)
2 - 3/4" plywood @ 45" w x 18 1/4" d (long shelves)
2 - 3/4" plywood @ 23 1/4" w x 18 1/4" d (short shelves)
Kreg Jig
Jig Saw
2 1/2" Pocket Hole Screws
1 1/2" Wood screws
Paintable caulk




STEP 1: Make the frames. You'll use 3 of your 83 1/4" 2x4's and 6 of your 20 1/4" 2x4"s for each frame. The space between shelves is about 24 1/4" give or take. Just make sure the spacing is exactly the same on both frames.




STEP 2: Drill one pocket hole at each end of each of your 2x2's. Attach 2x2's with  1 1/2" pocket holes and 2 1/2" pocket hole screws, drilling into the legs of the frame. Then attach to the other frame with the pocket hole on the other side of your 2x2. What I did to do that, was put the frame without the 2x2's, flat on the floor, and then I flipped the 2x2 laden frame over and matched it on top of the plain frame and screwed everything together.




Here is the frame assembled. I forgot to take a picture after I added the 2x4 which now holds my broom, mop, duster, etc. Pictured below is about where you'll want to add your 2x4. Again, use your kreg jig and create pocket holes to attach.




Initially I was going to screw 1x12 boards in between the 2x2 side spacers and 2x4 front and back spacer, like in Ana White's console table plan, but then I remembered that my hubby bought me a jigsaw so I gave the notched plywood boards a try. Here is a board measured, marked, and ready to be cut.



And here is the shelf in position.


After the shelves were cut and in place I countersunk 1 1/2" wood screws through the plywood and into the supports to secure. Then I used wood filler where it was needed and sanded everything down. Then I used paintable caulk to seal any additional cracks (mostly around where the plywood was notched). I then used two coats of Behr Marquee paint in Falling Snow (PPU 18-7) to cover it, followed by two coats of Minwax water based Polycrylic.



And a view taken as I perch precariously on top of my dryer and lean against the side wall.


You can see that I installed two large utility hooks underneath the top 2x2 support, to hold my ironing board. I found them at Home Depot for around $2 each. I also found the spring grip bar at Home Depot for around $7. 


I am still playing around with organizing it, but already I am enjoying so much extra storage space!