Every
second I lay curled up shaking felt like an eternity and yet I was
surprised at how quickly it seemed my husband made it home. I heard
urgent pounding steps in the stairwell outside our apartment door and
knew he was coming. I would get to see him one more time.
I
heard the lock jiggling. I heard the door slam. I felt his hand on my
face as he knelt on the floor beside me. I can’t remember if I told him I
loved him but I know I willed him to feel it. I knew there was only one
thing that might alleviate my suffering so I asked him for a priesthood blessing.
He
was calm as he laid his hands upon my head and uttered a few brief
inspired words of healing. Immediately my constant shaking calmed to an
occasional quiver. I felt such gratitude to God for this immediate act
of relief.
My
husband helped me back to my bed where I laid down to try to get some
rest. But now that the shaking had dissipated I noticed other things
were happening. My heart would race and slow and race and slow. Each
time it began to race my body would fill with terrifying warmth. I
suppose the best way to explain that is to say it is the kind of warmth
you feel when your conscience tells you you’ve done something very
wrong. Amplify that ten fold and it kept throwing me into a panic. My
mind was so confused at that time, mixing these sensations with fear
that I had done something terribly wrong. I call it a hellfire feeling,
as though you’re about to be consumed by the agony of guilt.
I
also suddenly realized how very sensitive to noise I was. As I lay
there, the minutes ticking slowly away, I would hear an occasional yell
from one of the kids or a loud bang and my body would immediately start
to quiver, my heart rate sky rocketing, filling me again with terrifying
warmth. You can imagine that prayer was always upon my lips as I
struggled to calm these reactions. I still had no idea what was going
on, I only hoped that this physical and mental presence of mind would
wear off quickly. Unfortunately that was not to be the case.
To be continued…
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