Looking
back, I don’t know why I didn’t end up going to the hospital. I know I
wanted to at times but I had a vague idea that my body was going through
some sort of panic disorder and I knew there wouldn’t be that much that
could be done. Yes, they probably could have given me something to calm
me down but the thought of taking any medication actually sent my body
into a frenzy all over again, though I was still taking my thyroid
medication. So I stayed in bed for close to two days, dealing with the
shock waves pulsing through me. I never knew what would trigger the
panic attacks. Sometimes it was a loud noise, sometimes it was the way
the light filtered through the window, sometimes it was a simple
thought. Every night the going down of the sun triggered one. I
would find myself feeling hopeful and positive one moment and the next I
would feel warmth spreading through my body, fear seeping into my
emotions and a heart racing in anticipation of some sort of supposed
doom.
I
called the doctor who had prescribed the medication and told her what
had happened. She didn’t seem very concerned or informative. I asked her
how long the medication would take to flush from my system and she told
me 6 days. I decided I could survive that long and that once the
medication flushed out of my system, everything would be normal again.
For
6 days I waited. The third day after the interaction, my husband went
back to school. I was terrified of being alone with the children. What
if it happened again? Could I even make a phone call this time? As the
door closed I could feel myself starting to lose control. It knew it was
battle of mind over matter, but I was new to fighting it and my bodies
responses were so strong. I started shaking. I paced nervously around
the room, my arms and legs trembling.
“I’m ok, there’s nothing wrong, I can do this.”
As
the terror welled up in my throat I willed it to dissipate and I set to
work. Distraction was what I needed. Everything I did seemed so new
because now it was with such purpose. Unloading the dishes was done with
forced vigor and a smile. I wanted to believe things would be ok, I
hoped that acting the part might make it so. The whole day was a fight
to control my body, to not get swept away by my emotions, to tell myself
that though I felt one way, it wasn’t a reality. It was triumphant to
make it through without calling my husband to come home. But then after
he came home and as night fell it became too much. As the sun went down I
could feel my body reacting once again as it had done every time
darkness fell the past 3 nights. The warmth, the spasming of every muscle
in my body that no positive thought could control. I lay on the bed
writhing in agony as my body spasmed and twitched, heat rushing through
my limbs in waves, praying for it to end soon. Eventually it did and I
tried to sleep, although hoping for peace in sleep was even beyond my
expectations at this point.
I
had barely slept at all in the past 3 days. I was beyond tired but my
mind would not shut down. I would find myself drifting off and if my
mind took hold of a thought for too long the panic would set in. I made
due the night previous with a half conscious sleep, my body trying to
slip into panic the entire time. I found that if I let a multitude of
thoughts simply rush through my mind and not focus on any of them, I was
ok. But I was on the brink of a full attack the entire time. That third
night after my first day alone, sleep would not come at all.
I was angry, I was exhausted, I was scared and I was beaten. So I did the only thing that came to mind, I asked for another priesthood blessing.
This time another brother from our church came over and assisted. The
peace I felt was instantaneous, my body relaxed and soon I knew I was
ready for sleep. And sleep, unmarred by nightmares or panic for the
first time in three days, came to me. I needed as much undisturbed sleep
as I could get for the battle to come…
To be continued…
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