Sometimes I want to quit

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I hope I’m not the only mother out there who has those days. Days where the fighting and the whining and the yelling between sibliings all culminate in mom joining the turmoil and everyone ending up in tears. I had one of those days yesterday.

It happened to be in the car. A spat over sharing chicken nuggets and french fries ended up with our car in the nearest parking lot, mom yelling, food confiscated and everyone crying. I shakily picked up the cell phone and called my husband.

“I can’t do this anymore!” I sobbed into the phone. “Sometimes it’s so hard to be a mom!”

I explained the situation and other frustrations that had been building and he calmed me down. He listened and empathized with me and I was soon composed enough to finish running errands.

I wish that was the end of it. I wish I knew that an episode like that wouldn’t happen again, but it always does. And when it does I feel like giving up or like I’m a crummy mother. But motherhood doesn’t come with the option to quit, so I go on. Sometimes strong and purposefully. Sometimes staggering, blinded by tears.

I love my kids. But like all kids they often do things that frustrate or anger me. Ethan is one sharp little five year old and he has always called me out on everything I do. For him there is a question behind everything I ask of him, and a reprimand for everything I do that I’ve told him not to do.

Then there is Caleb. One of the most loving little boys on the earth. He still snuggles with mom and is always willing to give lots of hugs and kisses. But he is also extremely frustrating at times, in an entirely different way. Caleb has been in speech therapy for over a year now. We still don’t very often understand anything he says beyond a three or four word sentence. His mentality is also not up to par with your average 4 year old. There are certain concepts he simply does not get. Patience and Time for one. He doesn’t understand the concept of later or wait. If you tell him he can have something later he thinks that is a “No” and ends up communicating his disappointment in the best way he knows, crying or whimpering. And when I say crying I mean bawling and throwing himself on the floor and being so loud the neighbors down the hall can hear him. It’s been so difficult for both he and us as parents not being able to understand each other. Our speech therapist actually recommended we take him to a neuropsychologist to get him evaluated for something more serious than a speech delay. And of course that has opened up a whole new realm of worry for me.
I suppose compounding the latest meltdown, was the fact that we have all been sick with nasty coughs and colds. *sigh*

I love my children deeply and I love being able to stay at home with them and be their teacher. But it’s not all roses all the time ya know?


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